UPDATE: As of February 23, I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since writing this post. That's almost 4 months sober, and it's in large part because of all your support. Thank you so much!
I officially hit rock bottom on November 7 around five PM. I threw up all over the dream home I had worked so hard to purchase and make fit for our family. I violently soiled myself in front of the daughter I so desperately strive to give everything. I lost consciousness even before my husband cleaned me up and escorted me to the bathroom. I found myself again some time later, laying on the floor surrounded by every body fluid you can imagine and crying lethargically, not because I wasn't desperate but rather because I didn't have the energy to scream for the help I so desperately needed.
But the whisper of a prayer is always enough.
“Dear God,” I begged. “Please deliver me from this. Don't let my foolish actions deprive my daughter of her mother. Don't let me die like this…”
I don't know why it happened on this day. I don't remember what that magic amount of alcohol was that finally pushed me past my limits–though to be honest, I'd passed them long ago.
All I know is it happened, and, oh, was it ever a wake-up call.
I'm finally ready to admit that I am an alcoholic. No more jokes, no more just another beer, just another glass of wine, just to get through this day. I don't even know why I'm drinking anymore… only that I can't seem to stop, that this happened and I'm so ashamed.
Why do I drink? What sorrows am I trying to drown away? I'll need to do a lot more prayer and a lot more being honest with myself to find those answers, because here's the thing: I love my life.
I have a husband who took care of me in my hour of need without judgment and without a second thought, who always takes care of me and loves me and supports me, understands me. I have a beautiful family and a little girl I would do anything for–that anything now includes staying sober for the rest of my life.
I have my dream job, and I love every moment of it! I get to write stories, read awesome books, design websites, and play on social media for pay–and way better pay than I ever thought I would make. I have the dream house, dream car, dream life… except I still can't stop drinking.
Not on my own. This blog is about accountability. It's about sharing that even those of us with the most “together” lives still have demons, still have struggles. It's a reminder to myself about how far I sunk tonight. It's voicing my intent to join Alcoholics Anonymous and to work toward my 1 week sober, 1 month sober, 1 year sober, 1 life sober.
Perhaps I could have kept this a secret, and maybe I'll feel even more shame when I wake up tomorrow and find that I've very publicly shared such a personal struggle… but I don't think so.
For every person who says “I don't know how you manage to do it all” and this is a sentiment I hear daily… For every person who envies my career, my family, my life… I want you to know that this–THIS–is how I've kept afloat for pretty much the whole of 2016. You can look perfectly together from the outside. You can still show up and do a damn good job. You can still be a good person, but struggle with alcoholism, addiction, weakness.
You are not alone.
Just as I know I am not alone. But I can't keep counting on alcohol to keep me company, and I shouldn't when I know there are so many people out there who love me, who draw strength from my strength, hope from my hope, courage from my courage. I will not let you down, and I'm done letting myself down too.
My new life starts today. Will you join me?